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This is 36

Updated: Jun 16, 2023

This is 36 with three boys at ages 3, 6, and 9 that consume my days. Before this photo was taken by my oldest, we were in the pool. I quickly blow dried my hair, wiped the residual makeup out from under my eyes, threw on some mascara, a top that was decent, my usual studded earrings, and called it, “good enough.” Just like with my children, I wanted to document and reflect on my birthday so here goes.

I am standing on the front porch to a house that doesn’t feel like home because it’s not. God has continuously been shutting the door on purchasing a house down here in FL for the past eight months. This rental is the only place whose door flew open only two weeks before we were supposed to be moving down. That story is for another time.

For about six weeks, I have been battling a pretty constant headache that started towards the tail end of an already month long sickness. After five hours of fighting it, I caved and took a pharmaceutical so that I could function for the rest of the day. No one wants to feel like garbage on their birthday.

I finally went and saw a naturopath last week and have started my new recommended protocol; No more dairy and a whole lot of supplements to see if we can get my body back in working order. My naturopath reminded me that I birthed three humans and nursed all of them exclusively for two years. That takes a lot out of my body. There’s also this little change in our lives of our family completely uprooting themselves out of NY. Your body can only handle so much I suppose.

No, life is not perfect over here, nor do I expect it to be, and nor will it ever be. It’s why I have above my sink, “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.” I am not one to sit around and mope because things aren’t going as I wished them to be, but I will share some of the causes for my weariness at times because, well, I am still human.

My longest running desire of my husband working from home has only grown with every passing day, but it still hasn’t happened. I’ll never stop praying for it because I believe it is what is best for our family. Even with having the purest of intentions, there is still no clear “yes” from God.

What I have concluded in my 30 years of walking with Christ is that there is a constant refining and dying to myself. I have learned how to have a lot of patience and how to persevere through frustrations and hardships. I am most grateful to learn that I truly can have peace in the midst of it all.

I cling to the truth that His ways are higher than mine. That He wants nothing but good things for me because His love for me is incomprehensible. It doesn’t always mean sunshine and rainbows. I live in a broken world after all.

Speaking of broken world, my heart is breaking more and more for people that are living a life void of their Creator. It seems as though they are covering their ears more when they hear the name, “Jesus.” I am trying to figure out how God wants me to respond to this. When am I supposed to open my mouth and when am I supposed to stay silent and just pray?

But, I always still find myself saying that God is good. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my body, my husband’s devotion, and my children’s health. After five years of waiting, I am consistently leading worship again. I can step outside practically every day and it’s warm and sunny. I am finding meaningful friendships. These things and more call for much gratitude on my 36th birthday.

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